"Not Your Friend"

My children tease. They invoke eachother's tears with a simple, unrelentless banters of "Nuh uh, Uh huh's!" And "Yes, No, Yes, No's." They practically clobber eachother racing up the stairs for first grabs of Spiderman or Optimus Prime.

Yesterday at breakfast, I felt particularly annoyed. (Quite possibly related to the scanty hours of sleep from the previous night...or from the fact that it is quite annoying!) Lou continued to be "DJ's mother." Quite simply trying to implement rules as I would. (Which is always so very telling.) Finally, after too many empty pleas.. I found myself bark: "Louis, you are not his mother... you are his friend!"

Shocked by the irony of the statement, I laughed. A good hard laugh.

Is that really true? Can mothers be friends?

It is quite the controversy. My generation of mothers (and fathers) are often criticized for being their child's friend. "You are the parent, the only one they have...so act like it." Thinking it must surely be the reason for such "unruly, disrespectful, out-of-control children." At times, I put a little belief in this lie. Usually when I am at a dead end.

It doesn't make any sense at all. After all, what is a friend?

My experience of friendship is positive. Binding and loving. The consistency of Jill's warm fellowship, the loyalty of Audrey's acceptance, Mom's incredible support, and the unconditional love of my dear Brandon. A friend is interested. Accepting. Accepting you at the pace you are doing it, and loving you for it. Respectful. Patient with a greater perspective. Loving when your crazy and wrong. And if not loving, at least laughing. Right?!

As a matter of fact, my children respond to me best when I am a good friend. Keeping my mouth shut when I am tempted to gossip about their latest outrage. Keeping my heart open when they are experiencing toddlerhood- however irrational, maddening and confusing it may be...to the both of us. After all, they have no choice.

But I do.

I resolve to be a better friend. One of their best. I want and believe that's something we both need to survive. As a matter of fact, I'll be damned if I get all the way through parenting, (and they get all the way through childhood,) without it.

But what of this unruly, outrageous behavior? (Which my children aren't, thanks heavens, always exhibiting. But it certainly happens plenty.) Certainly it must be addressed. Otherwise we may all loose our minds. Me? I am becoming a believer with Beth. That this behavior stems from a lack of effective leadership. Effective parenting. Poor implementation of effective, positive authority. Which will be another, (or a few hundred) posts in itself. In the meantime, I know where I am headed. And it is bringing a balance and calm into my parenting and life. One I've been searching for for awhile.

So child, I am your mother. And your friend.